Clemmie Pellew Harvey on What Children Are Really Saying When They Refuse a Forkful

Children rarely use words to express what they need at the table. Instead, they communicate through tiny decisions that parents often misinterpret as defiance, fussiness or frustration. In the third week of our four part series with nutritional therapist and author Clemmie Pellew Harvey, we explore the quiet, emotional language of little appetites and the beliefs shaping the way children learn to eat.

This is the heart of Clemmie’s work. She understands that mealtimes are not a performance to perfect but a relationship to nurture. With a calm, grounded perspective, she helps parents decode the messages hidden in refusals, preferences and phases, revealing that children often know far more about their own needs than adults give them credit for.

When Clemmie talks about children and food, she does so with a mix of honesty and gentleness that instantly lowers a parent’s shoulders. She sees the chaos of family mealtimes without judgement, and she understands the subtle emotional exchanges that shape a child’s eating habits long before nutrition even enters the conversation.

In this third conversation she opens up about pressure, independence, sensory needs, school environments and the art of staying calm when your child seems determined to test every ounce of your patience. Her insights offer clarity and reassurance in a world where parents often feel scrutinised for every bite their child takes or refuses.

What is the most common mistake parents make when trying to get their children to eat well?

Pressuring them. When we push, bribe, or force kids to eat, we take away their ability to listen to their own hunger and fullness cues. It creates a power struggle and often backfires. The best thing parents can do is offer a variety of foods without pressure and trust that their child will eat what they need over time.

How can parents tell the difference between a fussy phase and something deeper that needs attention?

A fussy phase is usually temporary, inconsistent, and tied to developmental changes. Something deeper shows up as extreme anxiety around food, significant weight changes, gagging, or a very limited diet that's getting narrower over time. If mealtimes are causing distress for the child or the family, it's worth seeking support from a professional.

What do children really communicate through their food preferences and refusals?

They're communicating autonomy, control, and safety. Refusing food is often one of the few ways young children can assert independence. It's not personal, even though it feels that way. They're also communicating sensory preferences, energy levels, and emotional states. Our job is to stay curious, not reactive.

You work with so many families. Can you recall a moment that perfectly captured a child's honesty about food?

I once worked with a mum whose daughter refused vegetables for months. One day, the little girl looked at her mum and said, "I don't like them because you get sad when I don't eat them." It was such a powerful reminder that kids pick up on our emotions around food. When we let go of the pressure, they often surprise us.

How do you teach parents to stay calm when every meal feels like a negotiation?

I remind them that their job is to provide the food, not to control whether their child eats it. That shift in responsibility takes so much pressure off. I also encourage parents to zoom out – one meal doesn't matter. What matters is the pattern over days and weeks. When parents can relax, kids often do too.

What do you think the word healthy should mean for children in today's world?

Healthy should mean strong, energised, and happy. It shouldn't be about restriction, calorie counting, or body size. For children, healthy eating is about variety, balance, and a positive relationship with food. It's about teaching them to listen to their bodies, enjoy eating, and fuel themselves for play, learning, and growth.

If you could redesign the way schools teach children about food where would you begin?

I'd start by removing diet culture language and focusing on food as fuel, fun, and connection. I'd teach kids about where food comes from, how to create simple, balanced meals, and how to listen to their bodies. I'd also train teachers to avoid commenting on what kids are eating or how much – those comments stick with children for years.

What is the one piece of advice you wish every parent could hear before their child's first solid meal?

Trust your child. They know how much they need to eat. Your job is to offer a variety of foods in a calm, pressure-free environment. Let them explore, make a mess, and refuse things. It's all part of learning. The less you control, the more they'll thrive.

Clemmie shows us that children are not trying to be difficult. They are trying to be understood. Every refusal, every preference, every moment of hesitation is a small form of communication, and when parents learn to listen without pressure, something powerful happens. Children begin to trust themselves, and mealtimes become a place of exploration rather than conflict.

As we close the third chapter of this four week series, the noise around children’s eating feels quieter and more manageable. Our final instalment next week will explore the joy and importance of indulgence, completing a series that has moved from identity to emotion to childhood, and finally to pleasure.