How Attachment Styles Influence Dating Preferences and Relationship Stability

Secure attachment

Adults with secure attachment styles are dependable and can rely on their partners. Their relationships are based on honesty, emotional closeness, and tolerance. They are not afraid of being alone, but they often thrive in their relationships. They don’t seek validation, as they tend to have a positive view of themselves and other people. They are capable of emotional regulation and can even help their partner regulate theirs.

Secure attachers are the majority: as of 2024, it is estimated that 50-60% of all people have a secure attachment style. 

Insecure attachment styles 

The insecure attachment styles are avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Here is a closer look into each one. 

Avoidant

Avoidant people tend to have a negative view of others and a positive one of themselves. They thus foster self-sufficiency and independence, especially emotionally. They don’t seek social approval and support, don’t want to rely on others, and don’t want others to depend on them.

As they tend to avoid closeness, they may decide to end a relationship if they feel their partner is becoming dependent on them. In a situation like conflict, they hide or suppress their feelings.

Their long-term relationships tend to be fewer. They prefer short-term sexual encounters, casual sex, or abstinence. 

Anxious

These people are the opposite in that they have a negative view of themselves and a positive one of others. The thought of being alone fills them with dread. They deeply fear abandonment. To ease this fear, they prioritize security within relationships. Care, responsiveness, and attention from a partner alleviate their feelings of anxiety. 

When they don’t feel supported, they can become more demanding, even clingy, desperate for reassurance, and preoccupied with the relationship.

They value their relationships highly, but any perceived risk to their security puts them on edge. They are worried that their partner is not as invested in the relationship as they are. They crave romantic connections but still find relationships anxiety-inducing and stressful. 

On the plus side, people with this attachment style are highly attuned and happy to fulfill their partners’ needs. It seems paradoxical at first, but they may be able to move on from a failed relationship quicker than people with an avoidant attachment style. They are, in fact, more likely to engage in rebound relationships. After the anxious attacher overcomes their distress, they are emotionally ready to start another relationship.

Disorganized

This attachment style combines the previous two, with avoidance and anxiety alternating depending on the person’s mood and circumstances. These people’s social bonds are marked by confusing and ambiguous behaviour. For them, the relationship and the partner are often the source of both fear and desire. They want closeness and intimacy, but they also have trust issues. They can have a hard time identifying and regulating their emotions. Their intense fear of getting hurt makes them avoid strong emotional bonds. 

Dating preferences 

A 2023 study found that people with an anxious attachment style had the most relationships on dating apps. The perceived safety of dating apps attracts anxious daters. They can simply ‘swipe right’ on people, which eliminates the threat of face-to-face rejection and increases their chances of finding a match.

Avoidant attachers are less inclined to use dating apps. These platforms can come with demands for emotional closeness, which can seem overwhelming for someone who is emotionally distant. 

Attachment style and type of dating app used

A 2022 survey revealed that anxious attachers are more likely to use Tinder and Plenty of Fish. OkCupid was the avoidants’ app of choice. The odds of using Plenty of Fish and Tinder increased by .44 and .35 for each unit increase in attachment anxiety. The odds of using OkCupid increased by .38 for each unit increase in avoidance. The odds of using Tinder dropped by .35. 

Attachment and relationship stability 

Secure attachers prefer secure partners. Regarding insecure attachers, the connection is ambiguous. They report either seeking secure attachers or people with the same attachment style as them. Studies of partners in long-term relationships show they matched with people with a complementary style. Anxious people build relationships with avoidants and vice versa.